Happy Halloween!

Boo! Oh how I love Halloween! I have loved this night ever since I can remember celebrating it. When I was young, it was all about the ability to dress up in costumes and of course, the candy, but as I become an adult I started liking the possibilities a cold dark night could offer your imagination (and I still liked the candy!)

I struggled with who I wanted to be when I was a kid (as I still do as an adult...hmm) and I loved that for one night I could be something other than myself. I had all the confidence in the world for this one day because I didn't have to be Nicole, instead I was a princess or a witch or my personal favorite an escaped mental patient.

So here is to the night of possibilities...Happy Halloween!

What are your favorite Halloween memories?

Ingrid Rocks!

"I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok. I just want to be ok today..." This was one of the last songs I heard when I went to see Ingrid Michaelson at the Knitting Factory this Friday night. Can I just say Ingrid rocks! I am not a frequent concert goer but when one of my favorite artists comes to play in a small venue you have to go.

Ingrid is just super fun and unpretentious on stage. She told a very funny story of Leanne Rimes tweeting her about her music and made up a silly song about famous people noticing her. The whole night was her just being goofy and very real on stage. She played a very interesting version of "Toxic" by Brittany Spears that just made it a different song completely.

I am not a music connoisseur like some people but I have an idea or two about what makes good music. I love music that has good lyrics and a catchy beat. Some could argue about a whole lotta music that may seem to fit that criteria that doesn't but I am not here to debate music, rather to share some music that is interesting, at least to me.

What is your favorite singer or concert memory?

Without further ado here is a sampling of some music by Ingrid Michaelson:

Bye Bye Sugar Part 2

I hang my head low while writing this post. Some of you know I did not make my sugar fast until October 23, instead I had a very wonderful chocolate cake and every single bite was heaven. I unfortunately fell off the wagon long before that time. It doesn't help when you have a friend's wedding, travel back home and a birthday. Oh and did I mention my mother-in-law stayed with us for over a week. I love her but she is a sugar enabler.

But now those times are over and its time to move forward again. I have to admit a deep dark secret: sugar makes me feel bad when I eat it. I know. The fist few bites of something sticky and decadent are sublime indeed but by the time I finish the pillowly concoction I am already starting to feel bad. An hour later I just can't shake the sense of unease. It's not always something so obvious as a stomach ache. Sometimes it comes to me in the form of a headache and low energy. I get the sudden urge to run 5 miles just so I can purge my system. My body is trying so hard to tell me something, but my mind has been hijacked by the sugar. Someone's got to step in!

I am going to work hard at banishing sugar from my diet until Thanksgiving this time (which is less than a month away). It seems so stupid but my sugar fast is more important than ever as I am trying to eat a low glycemic diet. Of course, nothing will stop me from eating a piece of pumpkin pie. It's probably one of my favorite things to eat. I also plan on going for a long hike on Thanksgiving morning to help mitigate the mass food consumption that happens on that fateful day. I also tend to eat a VERY light breakfast and lunch.

Wish me luck!

Here's to getting back on the wagon...even though I fell off and was running to catch up! I wonder what are some of the things that other people struggle with and how do they conquer those demons? I would love to know that I am not alone. :)

Green Thumb Where Are You?

The air is crisp and the leaves are slowly turing from green to gold to red and unfortunately so are the leaves to my tomato plants! It was harvest time here at Red Dog Ranch (well if I had a ranch that's what I would call it, but for now that's the nick name for my garden). This was our first year ever growing food that we planned to eat. It was definitely a learning experience and unfortunately in a year, that we have heard, was not that bountiful. Slightly comforting.

The list of our mistakes goes on: Scott pruned the tomato bushes too much, we forgot to research organic pest control, our dogs invaded and we planted all the wrong things in all the wrong places. The victories were few and far between: the strawberries did exceptionally well and even have started to grow outside the garden box and the thyme, oregano, sage and rosemary were unstoppable! I have more onions that I even know what to do with! (Can you freeze them?)

I need to learn how to do canning and drying. Anyone have any recommendations? I am not going to lie, I am a bit intimidated and a bit baffled on how I am supposed to find the time, but damn it, I am trying to run an urban farm here. :)

Now its time to take a break, brainstorm and come up with new ideas. I think I need to read Animal, Vegetable Miracle one more time as well as the countless gardening magazines I have accumulated during the spring. I think a gardening class may even be in order too! And maybe, just maybe I can be bragging about the summer bounty come this time next year.

Until then I will comfort myself with the last few bits of thyme and oregano.

PCOS

I have PCOS. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I was just diagnosed on September 20th. In some ways having the diagnosis was a huge relief. Ever since April of this year I have suffered from deep depression, weight gain, mood swings, bloating, head aches and sleepless nights. I was so miserable and fast approaching the end of my rope. Many doctors told me it was basically all in my head until I met Tammy Hadfield. She was the first doctor to tell me I wasn't crazy. She is an amazing doctor and I have all the confidence that together we will make me well and healthy again.

I won't die from PCOS but I have to very much change my life. If I leave the disease unmanaged I could develop Type II diabetes, heart disease or stroke. I may never be able to have children, although many people with PCOS do.

I am feeling overwhelmed. I hate to say it because its so vain, but the weight gain is out of control which is often the case with PCOS people. I fully admit that I am not eating as well as I should but in my defense I have had a wedding, travel back home to Tucson and my birthday to contend with and who can really say no to chocolate birthday cake? But the reality is I feel awful.

I am blessed with an amazing husband who sacrificed all of our holiday money to pay for the reinstatement of my gym membership. He is amazing! Day one back at the gym was yesterday and thankfully was an easier class. Today will be BodyPump which is all about weight lifting. Ugh! I keep telling myself its all worth it. I even like working out but knowing I have no choice just makes it feel harder than it has to be.

Right now I am hating the way I look and inside I hate the way I feel. Its a no win situation. I know all the hard things in life are accomplished one day at a time, but I wish I could see bigger changes. I do have to admit that the hormone I am taking is making me feel much better. The metformin is still making me feel bad most days but I hope it is helping my insulin levels. Sigh. I will conquer this, but right now I feel like a mouse battling a lion.

Hello 30!

Where does the time go? I am not really helping myself live a simpler life if I keep saying yes to everything therefore creating an impossibly busy schedule and allowing myself no time for anything, including writing in my blog. So not living my motto! But I did receive a lot of feedback from friends who read my blog and actually noticed when I didn't write. Someone is out there paying attention. Now if only they would share with their friends. :)

This past weekend I celebrated what was for a long time the dreaded 30th birthday. It's now official. There is nothing like starting out a new decade in life to put you into that new-year's resolution kind of mind. I feel like I should be writing the top 10 things I want to do in my 30's or some personal manifesto. The 30's somehow feel more important to me than my two previous decades. I promise if I do come up with a top ten list or a personal manifesto I will share.

I started blogging for many reasons but I think most importantly to provide myself an outlet where I could have a dialogue with the larger world (like anyone is reading but one could hope). My personal struggle in life is my knack for complicating everything. Not in the annoying I am a pain-in-someone's-ass sort of way but in a I feel the need to think about and analyze everything in my life sort of way. I refrain, most of the time, from sharing that inner dialogue with anyone. Regardless, I feel that inner dialogue has given me some plain and simple truths about my life, but maybe for someone else's too.

Take for instance my birthday. It is the simple gestures that mean the most. My good friend Jen and I call each other "dude" It I had found the perfect birthday card that in the inside said "Happy Birthday Dude" I sent it to her and she couldn't resist sending it to me. The minute I opened the card I couldn't stop smiling.

My amazing husband took me to a philharmonic presentation of Star Wars, bought me my favorite chocolate cake and arranged a manicure and pedicure with my two closest friends. I didn't want diamonds, copious amounts of alcohol or a big party. It was simple things strung together to make the most amazing day.

Now when I hear the opening theme of Star Wars, or a dive into the luscious layers of a chocolate cake I will see Jen and Scott's faces smiling back at me. The memories of that day are priceless and no gift no matter how grand could ever compare.

Bye Bye Sugar

So I am stopping sugar as of today. I am feeling the withdrawals as I write this post with quivering fingers.

Scott and I decided to make a bet: I would stop sugar cold turkey while he would stop diet soda. I am allowed my few teaspoons of sugar in the morning with my coffee and he is allowed one regular soda a day just so we don't go completely insane.

I have contemplated giving up sugar multiple times. Everyone always asks why or likes to state that I shouldn't deprive myself. I don't think people understand how addicted to sugar I am. And when I say addicted I mean addicted.

Some people are addicted to cigarettes, some drugs. I am addicted to sugar. Of course I temper it with a food snob's sensibilities. I can't have any old sugar. It needs to be good, respectable forms of sugar. Take for instance home made chocolate chip cookies none of this chips ahoy crap! I want quality which by the way is probably the only reason I am not 400 lbs...I need quality sugar. And in case you are wondering, no I am not morbidly obese. I am overweight but I stay active. I don't take a bag of oreo's to my closet and have an eating contest of one.

Anyway. I have thought for a very long time that my dependence on sugar was holding me back. Its that one thing that I can't seem to overcome. Its now become this challenge. Mind over matter.

Well when you also get down and dirty when it comes to what sugar is and how it can affect your body it isn't the best "food" to be consuming. I also have to ask if its inline with my food philosophy. I am trying really hard to eat food in its most natural forms and do I want to ruin that with sugar?

I am under no illusions here. I will eat sugar again and that I know to be the truth. I am hoping to make it sugar free (well the most obvious forms of it at least! I am not going to read labels like crazy)to October. I want my wonderful birthday cake to be the first taste of sugar...so October 23 here I come....wish me luck.

I am a Reader

I am a reader. Its the single most defining sentence to me. Reading, writing, books, stories is the essence of who I am, other than maybe loving animals. I remember the days when I was first learning to read. I was so frustrated because I could identify some words but not others and the inability to understand it all knowing there was something behind all those words was killing me. And then one day I could read...just like that.

I read everything I could get my hands on. I loved summers because then I could read without the distractions of math or science or any of the other silly subjects in school. The local libraries would have summer reading programs for the kids...always a map tracking the books you read and getting prizes at different milestones. I would always scream through the maps finishing before a quarter of summer was even up. The late summer nights with the cool wet feel of the swamp cooler running and my single light in my blue bedroom. I would laugh and cry with all the characters living hundreds of lives in just a few months. I miss those days so very much.

I had fantasies of living in a library (and if I hadn't gotten married at the Grand Canyon; a library would have been a very good second choice!). I dream often of being surrounded by books...all that potential just waiting to be let loose. I so desperately want to design a house that has bookshelves in every room, including bathrooms and kitchens! It would be an odd place for sure, but so very comforting to me. For now I suffice with three six foot book cases, although I need more.

I am not a person who collects things. I never quite understood the purpose of collecting objects, especially if for no real purpose. I tried with Breyer horses for a while, but by adulthood I got sick of packing them up each time I moved. Ah but my books are of another matter. So far 8 heavy boxes the last time we moved. And yet I acquire more. I can't stop. Its more than just having them...its stories and ideas all at my finger tips waiting to expose themselves to me at the moment I need them most.

Books are a need to me like food or water. I am convinced that my brain would shrivel up and die if I couldn't read books. The act of reading expands my mind exponentially and its a better high than any man made drug could ever conjure. Ah so maybe it truly is more than a need, its an addiction. An addiction that should never have a treatment to cure.

And yet here I am today wanting to read and not finding anything that is inspiring me at the moment. There is nothing worse than rummaging through my stacks and finding all sorts of books I still haven't read and yet not being inclined to read them. I was sitting there thinking I need a book that will speak to my soul. Ha! Like that book is just sitting there with a neon sign attached stating: "Life Changing Book Here" with an arrow attached. No such luck.

And so instead of reading I write. If not to be inspired by someone else's story I tell my own hoping it will inspire someone else.

The Simple Things...

Do you ever think you get away from the important things in life? Do you forget to savor the little things? I am a person that prides myself on being able to remember to savor life, but lately with all that's going on I have forgotten.

I am slowly trying to remember again and here are a few of my highlights:

1-Riding my bike in the early morning with the sun just starting to peak and the air crisp. The cold breeze stinging my skin just the slightest while the chilly air rushes into my lungs. I feel so alive and I just want that moment to last forever.

2-The days when Weiser (my African Grey parrot) makes little kissing noises at me and gives me this look of wonder and excitement for just seeing my face. He seems to relax when I smile at him and to know you give that much comfort to another creature on this planet well your heart swells.

3-The day you stop and smell the coffee in your cup...usually I guzzle it down so my day can get started as soon as possible. If you just sit and look out the window enjoy the morning sun and smell the strong aroma of the coffee. You take that first sip and it's hot but the flavor melts on your tongue. Somehow sipping coffee always makes me feel like all is right in the world.

I have read in many places that you should write down the things you are thankful for and in doing so you gain a different perspective. You are able to find and maintain balance. It really is the simple things in life....

Life is Hard.

Life is hard. Ok, maybe not news to you and certainly not news to me, but stark in its truth. I am a big fan of the Life is Good company. They promote such a simple but true motto and for someone always trying to live life with less complication they are the perfect shirts for me to be wearing. It doesn't hurt that the dog looks exactly like my dog. It was definitely meant to be.

But one of the other truism of life is that it may be good, but it is also hard. I say all of this because I am in a hard phase right now...harder than what I have already shared on this blog. For now, I am going to keep my trials and tribulations private because the details don't really matter. What matters is that now that I find myself in a hard place I seem to have more clarity than before. On some things at least. The problems themselves are a giant ball of confusion and fear with a little anxiety thrown in for good measure. Yet in the face of adversity some clarity has risen to the surface. Oh did I mention with the clarity came lots of philosophy?

I will let you in on a little secret about me. Whenever I come up against something that scares me or something that completely knocks me on my ass I become philosophical. I guess I believe if I can dig deep enough into the problem and figure out how it works and how it came to be that somehow the answer will be found. I warn you this doesn't always work.

So my latest philosophical rant: our current economic crisis. So many people are stunned and disbelief that something so tragic can occur.

Although science likes to believe we have evolved we really have just changed the landscape. We have traded predators for bankers and lawyers and instead of hunting we go shopping in grocery stores and Targets. In the end, the whole principle of survival stays the same.

I wish I could believe that with our technology and advancements that survival was easier, but its not. Being lucky as we are to live in the place we do, we have been lulled into a false sense of security. We live incredibly luxurious lives that we believe to be the norm or the standard and then when faced with something different it seems so tragic. Is it really tragic or just an awakening or a remembering of what life is really about?

I think if I keep going I am somehow going to find myself asking "What is the meaning of life" and like all others before me not really having an answer. I was looking for some perspective. Life is hard and many times unpredictable. You can't always prepare for it but you need to always be remembering it. You need to put the things that really matter in the fore front of your mind and keep focused. You have to be willing to let things that really don't matter fall to the way side. Of course, actually doing any of those things in practice is difficult which again brings me back to life is hard.

Maybe I should create a t-shirt with a stick figure knocking their head against the wall and the statement Life is Hard.

As I like to sometimes say at work, I am reaching for my positive hat and my Life is Good shirt and just maybe that will make everything ok.

30 Years on the Planet and What do I have to show for it?

I am freaking out. I turn 30 in just a mere 4 months. Unlike what most people assume, I am not concerned about the number. I have never really been concerned about my age as a number (or even my weight for that matter). Life is so much bigger than numbers. I am concerned about where I have gotten in 30 years? Am I the person I want to be? Have I made the most of my time here? How do I want to live my next 3o years? I have so many questions, very little answers and some answers I am afraid to face.

Have you ever asked yourself why its so hard to be the person you want to be? For example, I wish I was an athletic person who had a strong muscular body. I want to spend more time outside, especially hiking and camping. I want to finally get that master's degree. I would like to write a book. I wish I didn't care so much about my appearance and I wish I could find my style. I want to be a women with poise and grace. A woman who is obviously comfortable with herself and not easily unsettled. A positive person with a drive to get the things she wants out of life no matter the challenge. I want to be a force to reckon with.

Instead there is the actual me. I am much more sedentary than I should be and I have a weight problem to show it. I spend more of my time inside than out. I keep thinking about getting a master's degree but doing nothing to make it happen. I talk about writing a book and even have an idea but I don't sit down and write. I can be obsessive about the littlest of things when it comes to my hair or make up. I hate my style; it doesn't feel like me or relaxed enough and being a few pounds over weight makes me very self conscious. I have moments of poise and grace but some days they elude me. I am a pessimist and feel like my dreams and goals are too lofty. I compromise regularly and I am only a force to be reckoned with when I have been pushed to the limit, otherwise I am easy going.

How do I reconcile these two woman who are both trapped in my head? How do we become the people we are? Sometimes I think I am who I am some out of choice but other parts because of outside factors. I am pretty sedentary because I have a job that requires me to sit in a office for upwards of nine hours. And a body in motion stays in motion; a body stays at rest unless...the first law of Newton's laws people. And yet some people defy these laws. How do they do it and what am I missing or not tapping into to get myself there?

I really thought that by 30 I would have figured that part out. I had no expectations that I would have accomplished all of my goals or figured out the meaning of life. I just thought I would be more solidly on the right path, my path. I don't feel I am on someone else's path, just wandering around in the forest a bit lost. Some would say that is a good place to be and it can be educational but I could also starve to death or get eaten by a bear. There is food and safety on my path.

Here I am contemplating what I could be doing differently; trying to figure out how to defy the laws of physics. And yes, I have a headache from all this thinking. Maybe I should just get drunk, get a tattoo and get over it. My biggest challenge is trying to keep it simple and yet I go for the complicated every time.

Slow and Steady Tortoise

What a week! Like life in general, my week has not gone as planned. I was ready to jump back into some serious working out on Wednesday and then I got the blues. I could seem to snap out of it so instead I stayed home. I fell asleep on the couch and was woken up by Cocomo (one of the greys) yelling "CO-CO-MO" at the top of his lungs. I will admit it made me smile.

I decided the whole day shouldn't go to waste so I cleaned the kitchen. Scott and I had made quite the mess the day before and I had tried really hard to ignore it. I even cleaned out the fridge and wiped down the shelves. This inspired me to try and eat healthier (although I wouldn't call myself a bad eater) and so I made a grocery list. I should be honest and admit that I skipped dog training class which I still feel guilty about and I didn't go to the bird store to pick up more bird food. I had barely enough left to feed everyone in the morning. :( Not a very good steward to my charges.

After that was done I tried to do laundry and got bored with that...then I said "the hell with it" and went to bed. I proceeded to toss and turn for most of the night. I woke up cranky and still feeling blue which lasted most of the day. I was so hoping to squeeze in a bike ride to hopefully erase the blues and to redeem myself with my training schedule, but work was too busy. Ugh!

The hightlight was Scott coming home. He had been away in the Owyhee's doing and exercise with the Guard. You know you found your soul mate when your mind won't stop racing but just the sigh of your love and you find some peace. Scott brings me peace. He also reads me very well and could tell I wasn't very happy. He then proceeds to make it his mission to make me laugh or smile. He usually succeeds. We spent the afternoon finally getting that bird food (did I mention how much I love the smell of the bird food) and grocery shopping. A little fun fact about Scott and I, we love grocery shopping together. We just mesh so well and can read each other's minds that it just makes the whole process fun and easy.

We came home and I proceeded to make Scott this grilled romaine salad that I had learned to make at the cooking class on Tuesday. YUM! Its so good!!!

One episode of Bones later, we were snuggled in bed together wondering why we ever have to spend time apart. We are pathetically in love and plan to be so umpteen years from now.

Anyway. I was up at 6 am this morning back on the horse. I decided to take Sydney running with me because who better than your soul mate. (Yes I know Scott is my soul mate too! But Sydney...well there are really no words to describe what she is to me. She is my guide in life and she does her job very well) Sydney couldn't contain herself this morning when she realized that she was going too. If you know cattle dogs then you might be able to picture it. Lots of jumping and fake growling. Although once we were on the trail I could tell she was annoyed that I kept making her heel and she completely insulted me by barely trotting next to me while I was running!!! I am going to blame it on the fact that I only have 2 feet while she gets 4. I took a picture of her all wide-eyed and bushy tailed and then there's me barely able to keep my eyes open.

The run was ok. My legs feel tight and I just don't feel strong. I think I need to make more time for my weight lifting class and keep up with my yoga. Hopefully that will loosen the legs up a bit. I also just need to run more. My right hip is bothering me. I am convinced its my sciatica coming back to haunt me in a different place. A woman at my salon recommended a chiropractor...I need to find the number.

Well tomorrow is hopefully a bike ride at 6 am then off to the REI Garage Sale and then some dog training. I am trying to keep things slow and steady. No rest for the weary!

Monday Madness

Monday was crazy! I had this fantastical idea of getting up at 6 am to go out on a bike ride and yet when the alarm went off at 5:45 am I decided that continuing with my dream ride was such a better idea. Not a good start to my journey of being a triathlete, but there are obstacles to every journey. To make up for my lack of better judgement I decided to hit the day hard.

At my lunch hour I took Sydney and Luna for a dog walk around the neighborhood (about 25 minutes) and then right at 5 pm sharp I hit the greenbelt with Scott. I felt so good! I was screaming down the belt leaving Scott in the dust. In his defense, he was riding his mountain bike. Even so..it was a great ride and I feel really strong on the bike.

But the day wasn't over yet! I jumped back in the car and headed to the gym!! I barely made it in time to slip into my BodyFlow class. Its a fusion between tai chi, yoga and pilates. Love my BodyFlow classes. I was feeling so good from the bike ride that I stretched myself to the limit...literally.

So 6 am rolls around this morning and I was supposed to be on the greenbelt running with Gretchen, but no...I could barely move. I bailed. Still feeling the guilt from that one.

Today was an incredibly busy day at work so I was unable to squeeze in my walk and I had plans after work. Getting a workout in every day is going to be tough, if not impossible.

On a high note I have been doing some research on our local YMCA. They have incredible programs and offer tri training specifically. They also sponsor a Y Tri Triathlon in early August. Its the perfect race to start with..1/4 mile swim, 6 mile ride and a 2 mile run. I can do that!!!

Now I just have to fund all these activities. Hobbies sure can get expensive!

Yard Sale Slump Day

I was getting off to a fine start until we decided to carry our yard sale on to another day. Another early morning which I so desperately wanted to sleep in, but instead up I got and into the garage to hock more of our old stuff. It was a good morning. We sold lots of stuff and since it was a busy day we decided to go until 3 pm. After packing up and dropping off the extra to the Idaho Youth Ranch it was 5 pm. I was exhausted from sitting in the sun and I ended up passing out on the bed when I was supposed to be riding my bike!!!

They day wasn't all bad. I was able to do some much needed research on tri training. I signed up on a web site called ontri.com. Found a very doable training program that is supposed to last 11 weeks. I neglected to actually look up a race. I am not pushing it. I have a long journey and I am not sure if I am ready to give myself a deadline. Right now I want to try and just bike, swim and run at least once each a week. Small...tiny baby steps.

My next goal....trying to get up early (like 5:45 am!) to go on a bike ride before work! Ugh! Later that evening yoga...full full Monday.

I am tired just thinking of it all.

Run, Nicole Run!

I am crazy! I ride a road bike once and now I am having delusions of grandeur that I am going to be a triathlete. And yet here I go doing mad internet research, looking up books and adding them to my amazon list and the kicker...getting up at 6:15 am this morning and going for a run! My life is so complicated right now and I decide to add all of this...

But I am. Biking, running and swimming my way to somewhere. I guess its time. I am sick of admiring other people for the cool things they do...I decided I needed to start doing them myself. I have a long way to go. I am 40 lbs overweight and completely out of shape but somehow I am going to do it. And when I say "it"...right now that just means riding my bike, running and taking a swim at least once a week (obviously not all at the same time). I don't have a particular race in mind quite yet. I just want to see myself maintain some consistency in working out.

My obligation stems from my crazy announcement on Facebook. I feel as bad as if I drunk dialed an ex-boyfriend (who is on my friends list by the way, ugh). How can I possibly disappoint 218 of my closest friends and family? Facebook should develop a pending list for those people, like me, who may need to mull things over before we hit "publish" Maybe that's why I like blogging. I admit that I hit "publish" before I proof my posts. Sorry for that. I feel my blog should be raw, pure, true me. And the raw, pure, true me isn't perfect so why should my post be perfect? I doubt I will become famous for blogging. I think my husband is the only person who reads my posts anyway. (thank you honey) So watch out, imperfections might run a muck!

I think the bigger question is how do I feel now that I have embarked on this crazy journey? In a word, good. Honestly this spur of the moment decision has been bubbling under the surface. For me, as with anything in my life, there are a handful of emotions tied to every decision. Can anyone make decisions void of emotions? I am tired of being "fat" I know, I went and used the "f" word but it rolls off the tongue so easily. I have always been the "f" girl. Maybe people didn't actually say it to my face but I know they were thinking it. Granted I am not obese. I was the nice girl with the pretty face. Well I am done being that girl.

Oh I know this is all so cliche! There has got to be a bad 80's movie about this. Fat girl hates self. Fat girl likes boy. Boy likes skinny girl. Fat girl gets mad. Fat girl gets skinny. Fat girl wins over boy.

Unfortunately, part of my story is about fat girl. Of course, I want to rip out the pages and burn them so I can re-write the ending. I got lucky. I ended up with Prince Charming (aka: the boy) regardless, but this isn't about getting boys to like me. Its about me liking me. About being comfortably in my own skin. About being confident in my abilities. About riding my own horse into the sunset. Slaying my own dragon. Why do we need Prince Charming again?

Well my delusions of grandeur have me writing cliches. My brain must be friend. Where was I? I feel good. I was able to see the sun rise this morning. The soft pinks and cold blues of the light on the clouds. The crisp bite of the cool air. The sound of the Boise river rushing against the banks and the sweet chirps and calls of the birds. The morning was welcoming me. Calling me into action and it felt good to heed her call. I felt empowered by the trees and the squirrels. My mind wandering to the places I will go if I can just keep one foot in front of the other. Sigh. It was good.

And it was icing on the cake to get a text from Prince Charming saying, "Run Nicole, Run!"

Ok Prince Charming...watch out here I come.

The Road Bike

Many of you don't know my past with bikes. We have a love hate relationship. I always wanted to get into bikes, but the bike world is intimidating. It attracts a lot of type A personalities. But I got lucky when I met my ex-boyfriend who was super into bikes. He helped me build an awesome mountain bike from the ground up and to make me fall more in love with it...it happened to be blue.

We hit the trails (of Tucson I might add). It was fun, but completely scary. I was painfully out of shape (I still have remedy this one). The ex was relentless...always pushing me harder and faster. I began to resent my bike and my abilities. I was angry with him, angry with my self and well dust started collecting on my beloved blue bike.

Well I kicked the ex to the curb but couldn't bring myself to ride the bike again. I had been forever soured on mountain biking. I decided that I would much rather hike the hills then fly around them and crazy speeds and run myself into a tree or cactus. Did I mention how hot Tucson was too?

Then I move to Boise...which seems to be the bike capital of the world. Everyone seems to be on a bike from your grandmother to your two year old. Everyone is sporting everything from tricked out mountain bikes, to fast road bikes, to your chop shop special and everyone's favorite the cruiser. The temperatures are nice and there is the Greenbelt (or rarely used farm roads) to ride in peace. Hello bike! Where have you been?

Regardless, I still feel unsettled by the idea of mountain biking. I think its a great sport but just not one for me. Road riding on the other hand is the perfect fit. I want to jump on my bike and ride a few (well more than that). I don't want to have to worry about trails or running into a tree. Now I know there are cars (much more unforgiving than a tree), but for the most part the greenbelt is going to meet my needs. I am not looking to become the next speed racer...I just want to ride for fitness and maybe the occasional duathlon just for some motivation.

And so I am on a mission to find myself the right road bike. Wish me luck...maybe I will even find one in blue!

The Chickens are calling...

So the urban homesteading bug has bitten me good. I have gone gaga for all things farm. I can't stop reading or thinking about gardening, chickens, fences, goats, horses, hay, canning and baking my own bread! I am just so moved by this idea of being connected to land and to nature in way that just doesn't happen anymore.

I just finished the book Plenty by Alisa Smith & J.B. Mackinnon. Alisa and James commit to living off of food from a 100 mile radius in Vancouver, Canada. A bit more challenging than lets say a hundred mile radius in California, but not impossible. The going isn't easy and Jason is quite the experimental chef...I personally am not fond of blossoms as food, but they make it work. It makes it seem doable for the everyday person and shows you that you can come to these incredible insights to your life by putting seemingly arbitrary restrictions on yourself. I am not claiming the 100 mile diet is the new religion. Its not, but it is a new way of thinking and living and I like it!

And so my want (some would say my need) is chickens. I have wanted them since last fall and was primed to get them this year, but with the complications of our life we were thinking of postponing them until next year. And then I asked the question why and I realized it was just for our own convenience. So the chickens are back on the table.

We are searching and planning for how we are going to house them. I have trepidation. We are going against our HOA's, there are predators in our neighborhood and there is the constant care. But I just can't seem to say no. Life isn't meant to be lived in dreams or on the weekends. Your life is happening right here and right now. There might not be a later or a tomorrow.

And so chickens are on the menu (although later possibly on the actual menu).

ENFJ

I took the Kiersey Bates test...or at least a version of it and I am a ENFJ person. (Extravert, iNtuitive, Feeler, Judger) Obviously no surprises but it was interesting. I googled ENFJ and found some interesting web sites about that personality type the pros and cons and preferred career paths.

On the other hand, I am suspicious of tests like these. I fear they put people in boxes and people will always surprise you. Maybe I hate being predictable. I always see myself as more exciting than that, but maybe I am not seeing the reality.

I always felt that finding your path in life was more organic. Or at least I wanted it to be. I always hoped to cultivate this passion into something more. I haven't done too well on the cultivation part.

I am shocked sometimes about how much I don't know ten years after college. I really felt like I would have many more things figured out. I thought I would be on a much clearer path. I feel like I need to re-wind and do it again, of course with the knowledge I have now. (doesn't everyone) I was so concerned about things I should not have been in college. In my defense, I did have a lot of things going on and all I wanted was escape. Its hard to be thoughtful under duress.

I suppose what matters is what I do now. And yet again I am overwhelmed by the choices and find myself again under duress, although not quite in the same way as before.

I think its so easy for other people...I have to remember we all have our own personal demons to fight. I would swear mine seem particularly big and ugly. But its all relative right?

Urban Homestead

I want to create an urban homestead. What is an urban homestead you might ask? Well I didn't know either not so long ago. The basic gist is that you "get back to basics" like growing your own food, canning, conserve energy while living in an urban environment. There are various levels of how you can go about it and of course it all depends on your motivation, access to land and materials and sometimes money (if only solar was cheaper!).

For me it the idea of urban homesteading all really started to snowball when I read Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver. Her book is about her family moving from Tucson, Arizona (my hometown) to a farm in Virginia. Its her family's pact to live off their land (and other farms within 100 miles) for one year. I was hooked!!!! Not only had I lived in Tucson, Arizona where it is quite difficult to grow food but I finally moved to Boise, Idaho where (at least to me) anything and everything grows.

I then began reading more books like Fast Food Nation, Mad Cowboy, Plenty, In Defense of Food and many many others that I decided I wanted (and I needed) to change how I lived my life. So I am starting slow. I am learning about gardening, chickens, canning, bread making, sewing and myriad of other things so I can be self sufficient. I also believe that its the simple things in life that make people happy. There is also a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment when you have grown and made things all on your own. I crave that feeling.

Here is some more food for thought: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCPEBM5ol0Q&feature=related

The Happiness Project

I have been inspired. I am currently reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. The book is about the author embarking on what she calls a "Happiness Project" She is trying to figure out ways to make her own life happier and providing tips along the way. Its a fantastic read! The book is really speaking to me on many levels because its not just about happiness but how to accept who you are and push yourself to realize your dreams. Which I know, brings a person happiness. Its sort of a chick and egg thing...being happy allows you to accept yourself and accepting yourself makes you happy.

I decided that I needed to create a blog about being Nicole. What does it mean to be me? What really makes me happy? I know I am on a journey. Where am I going? What am I seeking? How do I know I am moving forward? All wonderful questions that I have no solid answers to at the moment. And what better way to explore them then in a blog...so the resolutions I create for myself might stick and I just might get some good feedback if there is anyone our there reading my blog. :)

Anyway. Here's to the journey!