30 Years on the Planet and What do I have to show for it?

I am freaking out. I turn 30 in just a mere 4 months. Unlike what most people assume, I am not concerned about the number. I have never really been concerned about my age as a number (or even my weight for that matter). Life is so much bigger than numbers. I am concerned about where I have gotten in 30 years? Am I the person I want to be? Have I made the most of my time here? How do I want to live my next 3o years? I have so many questions, very little answers and some answers I am afraid to face.

Have you ever asked yourself why its so hard to be the person you want to be? For example, I wish I was an athletic person who had a strong muscular body. I want to spend more time outside, especially hiking and camping. I want to finally get that master's degree. I would like to write a book. I wish I didn't care so much about my appearance and I wish I could find my style. I want to be a women with poise and grace. A woman who is obviously comfortable with herself and not easily unsettled. A positive person with a drive to get the things she wants out of life no matter the challenge. I want to be a force to reckon with.

Instead there is the actual me. I am much more sedentary than I should be and I have a weight problem to show it. I spend more of my time inside than out. I keep thinking about getting a master's degree but doing nothing to make it happen. I talk about writing a book and even have an idea but I don't sit down and write. I can be obsessive about the littlest of things when it comes to my hair or make up. I hate my style; it doesn't feel like me or relaxed enough and being a few pounds over weight makes me very self conscious. I have moments of poise and grace but some days they elude me. I am a pessimist and feel like my dreams and goals are too lofty. I compromise regularly and I am only a force to be reckoned with when I have been pushed to the limit, otherwise I am easy going.

How do I reconcile these two woman who are both trapped in my head? How do we become the people we are? Sometimes I think I am who I am some out of choice but other parts because of outside factors. I am pretty sedentary because I have a job that requires me to sit in a office for upwards of nine hours. And a body in motion stays in motion; a body stays at rest unless...the first law of Newton's laws people. And yet some people defy these laws. How do they do it and what am I missing or not tapping into to get myself there?

I really thought that by 30 I would have figured that part out. I had no expectations that I would have accomplished all of my goals or figured out the meaning of life. I just thought I would be more solidly on the right path, my path. I don't feel I am on someone else's path, just wandering around in the forest a bit lost. Some would say that is a good place to be and it can be educational but I could also starve to death or get eaten by a bear. There is food and safety on my path.

Here I am contemplating what I could be doing differently; trying to figure out how to defy the laws of physics. And yes, I have a headache from all this thinking. Maybe I should just get drunk, get a tattoo and get over it. My biggest challenge is trying to keep it simple and yet I go for the complicated every time.