30 Years on the Planet and What do I have to show for it?

I am freaking out. I turn 30 in just a mere 4 months. Unlike what most people assume, I am not concerned about the number. I have never really been concerned about my age as a number (or even my weight for that matter). Life is so much bigger than numbers. I am concerned about where I have gotten in 30 years? Am I the person I want to be? Have I made the most of my time here? How do I want to live my next 3o years? I have so many questions, very little answers and some answers I am afraid to face.

Have you ever asked yourself why its so hard to be the person you want to be? For example, I wish I was an athletic person who had a strong muscular body. I want to spend more time outside, especially hiking and camping. I want to finally get that master's degree. I would like to write a book. I wish I didn't care so much about my appearance and I wish I could find my style. I want to be a women with poise and grace. A woman who is obviously comfortable with herself and not easily unsettled. A positive person with a drive to get the things she wants out of life no matter the challenge. I want to be a force to reckon with.

Instead there is the actual me. I am much more sedentary than I should be and I have a weight problem to show it. I spend more of my time inside than out. I keep thinking about getting a master's degree but doing nothing to make it happen. I talk about writing a book and even have an idea but I don't sit down and write. I can be obsessive about the littlest of things when it comes to my hair or make up. I hate my style; it doesn't feel like me or relaxed enough and being a few pounds over weight makes me very self conscious. I have moments of poise and grace but some days they elude me. I am a pessimist and feel like my dreams and goals are too lofty. I compromise regularly and I am only a force to be reckoned with when I have been pushed to the limit, otherwise I am easy going.

How do I reconcile these two woman who are both trapped in my head? How do we become the people we are? Sometimes I think I am who I am some out of choice but other parts because of outside factors. I am pretty sedentary because I have a job that requires me to sit in a office for upwards of nine hours. And a body in motion stays in motion; a body stays at rest unless...the first law of Newton's laws people. And yet some people defy these laws. How do they do it and what am I missing or not tapping into to get myself there?

I really thought that by 30 I would have figured that part out. I had no expectations that I would have accomplished all of my goals or figured out the meaning of life. I just thought I would be more solidly on the right path, my path. I don't feel I am on someone else's path, just wandering around in the forest a bit lost. Some would say that is a good place to be and it can be educational but I could also starve to death or get eaten by a bear. There is food and safety on my path.

Here I am contemplating what I could be doing differently; trying to figure out how to defy the laws of physics. And yes, I have a headache from all this thinking. Maybe I should just get drunk, get a tattoo and get over it. My biggest challenge is trying to keep it simple and yet I go for the complicated every time.

Slow and Steady Tortoise

What a week! Like life in general, my week has not gone as planned. I was ready to jump back into some serious working out on Wednesday and then I got the blues. I could seem to snap out of it so instead I stayed home. I fell asleep on the couch and was woken up by Cocomo (one of the greys) yelling "CO-CO-MO" at the top of his lungs. I will admit it made me smile.

I decided the whole day shouldn't go to waste so I cleaned the kitchen. Scott and I had made quite the mess the day before and I had tried really hard to ignore it. I even cleaned out the fridge and wiped down the shelves. This inspired me to try and eat healthier (although I wouldn't call myself a bad eater) and so I made a grocery list. I should be honest and admit that I skipped dog training class which I still feel guilty about and I didn't go to the bird store to pick up more bird food. I had barely enough left to feed everyone in the morning. :( Not a very good steward to my charges.

After that was done I tried to do laundry and got bored with that...then I said "the hell with it" and went to bed. I proceeded to toss and turn for most of the night. I woke up cranky and still feeling blue which lasted most of the day. I was so hoping to squeeze in a bike ride to hopefully erase the blues and to redeem myself with my training schedule, but work was too busy. Ugh!

The hightlight was Scott coming home. He had been away in the Owyhee's doing and exercise with the Guard. You know you found your soul mate when your mind won't stop racing but just the sigh of your love and you find some peace. Scott brings me peace. He also reads me very well and could tell I wasn't very happy. He then proceeds to make it his mission to make me laugh or smile. He usually succeeds. We spent the afternoon finally getting that bird food (did I mention how much I love the smell of the bird food) and grocery shopping. A little fun fact about Scott and I, we love grocery shopping together. We just mesh so well and can read each other's minds that it just makes the whole process fun and easy.

We came home and I proceeded to make Scott this grilled romaine salad that I had learned to make at the cooking class on Tuesday. YUM! Its so good!!!

One episode of Bones later, we were snuggled in bed together wondering why we ever have to spend time apart. We are pathetically in love and plan to be so umpteen years from now.

Anyway. I was up at 6 am this morning back on the horse. I decided to take Sydney running with me because who better than your soul mate. (Yes I know Scott is my soul mate too! But Sydney...well there are really no words to describe what she is to me. She is my guide in life and she does her job very well) Sydney couldn't contain herself this morning when she realized that she was going too. If you know cattle dogs then you might be able to picture it. Lots of jumping and fake growling. Although once we were on the trail I could tell she was annoyed that I kept making her heel and she completely insulted me by barely trotting next to me while I was running!!! I am going to blame it on the fact that I only have 2 feet while she gets 4. I took a picture of her all wide-eyed and bushy tailed and then there's me barely able to keep my eyes open.

The run was ok. My legs feel tight and I just don't feel strong. I think I need to make more time for my weight lifting class and keep up with my yoga. Hopefully that will loosen the legs up a bit. I also just need to run more. My right hip is bothering me. I am convinced its my sciatica coming back to haunt me in a different place. A woman at my salon recommended a chiropractor...I need to find the number.

Well tomorrow is hopefully a bike ride at 6 am then off to the REI Garage Sale and then some dog training. I am trying to keep things slow and steady. No rest for the weary!

Monday Madness

Monday was crazy! I had this fantastical idea of getting up at 6 am to go out on a bike ride and yet when the alarm went off at 5:45 am I decided that continuing with my dream ride was such a better idea. Not a good start to my journey of being a triathlete, but there are obstacles to every journey. To make up for my lack of better judgement I decided to hit the day hard.

At my lunch hour I took Sydney and Luna for a dog walk around the neighborhood (about 25 minutes) and then right at 5 pm sharp I hit the greenbelt with Scott. I felt so good! I was screaming down the belt leaving Scott in the dust. In his defense, he was riding his mountain bike. Even so..it was a great ride and I feel really strong on the bike.

But the day wasn't over yet! I jumped back in the car and headed to the gym!! I barely made it in time to slip into my BodyFlow class. Its a fusion between tai chi, yoga and pilates. Love my BodyFlow classes. I was feeling so good from the bike ride that I stretched myself to the limit...literally.

So 6 am rolls around this morning and I was supposed to be on the greenbelt running with Gretchen, but no...I could barely move. I bailed. Still feeling the guilt from that one.

Today was an incredibly busy day at work so I was unable to squeeze in my walk and I had plans after work. Getting a workout in every day is going to be tough, if not impossible.

On a high note I have been doing some research on our local YMCA. They have incredible programs and offer tri training specifically. They also sponsor a Y Tri Triathlon in early August. Its the perfect race to start with..1/4 mile swim, 6 mile ride and a 2 mile run. I can do that!!!

Now I just have to fund all these activities. Hobbies sure can get expensive!

Yard Sale Slump Day

I was getting off to a fine start until we decided to carry our yard sale on to another day. Another early morning which I so desperately wanted to sleep in, but instead up I got and into the garage to hock more of our old stuff. It was a good morning. We sold lots of stuff and since it was a busy day we decided to go until 3 pm. After packing up and dropping off the extra to the Idaho Youth Ranch it was 5 pm. I was exhausted from sitting in the sun and I ended up passing out on the bed when I was supposed to be riding my bike!!!

They day wasn't all bad. I was able to do some much needed research on tri training. I signed up on a web site called ontri.com. Found a very doable training program that is supposed to last 11 weeks. I neglected to actually look up a race. I am not pushing it. I have a long journey and I am not sure if I am ready to give myself a deadline. Right now I want to try and just bike, swim and run at least once each a week. Small...tiny baby steps.

My next goal....trying to get up early (like 5:45 am!) to go on a bike ride before work! Ugh! Later that evening yoga...full full Monday.

I am tired just thinking of it all.

Run, Nicole Run!

I am crazy! I ride a road bike once and now I am having delusions of grandeur that I am going to be a triathlete. And yet here I go doing mad internet research, looking up books and adding them to my amazon list and the kicker...getting up at 6:15 am this morning and going for a run! My life is so complicated right now and I decide to add all of this...

But I am. Biking, running and swimming my way to somewhere. I guess its time. I am sick of admiring other people for the cool things they do...I decided I needed to start doing them myself. I have a long way to go. I am 40 lbs overweight and completely out of shape but somehow I am going to do it. And when I say "it"...right now that just means riding my bike, running and taking a swim at least once a week (obviously not all at the same time). I don't have a particular race in mind quite yet. I just want to see myself maintain some consistency in working out.

My obligation stems from my crazy announcement on Facebook. I feel as bad as if I drunk dialed an ex-boyfriend (who is on my friends list by the way, ugh). How can I possibly disappoint 218 of my closest friends and family? Facebook should develop a pending list for those people, like me, who may need to mull things over before we hit "publish" Maybe that's why I like blogging. I admit that I hit "publish" before I proof my posts. Sorry for that. I feel my blog should be raw, pure, true me. And the raw, pure, true me isn't perfect so why should my post be perfect? I doubt I will become famous for blogging. I think my husband is the only person who reads my posts anyway. (thank you honey) So watch out, imperfections might run a muck!

I think the bigger question is how do I feel now that I have embarked on this crazy journey? In a word, good. Honestly this spur of the moment decision has been bubbling under the surface. For me, as with anything in my life, there are a handful of emotions tied to every decision. Can anyone make decisions void of emotions? I am tired of being "fat" I know, I went and used the "f" word but it rolls off the tongue so easily. I have always been the "f" girl. Maybe people didn't actually say it to my face but I know they were thinking it. Granted I am not obese. I was the nice girl with the pretty face. Well I am done being that girl.

Oh I know this is all so cliche! There has got to be a bad 80's movie about this. Fat girl hates self. Fat girl likes boy. Boy likes skinny girl. Fat girl gets mad. Fat girl gets skinny. Fat girl wins over boy.

Unfortunately, part of my story is about fat girl. Of course, I want to rip out the pages and burn them so I can re-write the ending. I got lucky. I ended up with Prince Charming (aka: the boy) regardless, but this isn't about getting boys to like me. Its about me liking me. About being comfortably in my own skin. About being confident in my abilities. About riding my own horse into the sunset. Slaying my own dragon. Why do we need Prince Charming again?

Well my delusions of grandeur have me writing cliches. My brain must be friend. Where was I? I feel good. I was able to see the sun rise this morning. The soft pinks and cold blues of the light on the clouds. The crisp bite of the cool air. The sound of the Boise river rushing against the banks and the sweet chirps and calls of the birds. The morning was welcoming me. Calling me into action and it felt good to heed her call. I felt empowered by the trees and the squirrels. My mind wandering to the places I will go if I can just keep one foot in front of the other. Sigh. It was good.

And it was icing on the cake to get a text from Prince Charming saying, "Run Nicole, Run!"

Ok Prince Charming...watch out here I come.

The Road Bike

Many of you don't know my past with bikes. We have a love hate relationship. I always wanted to get into bikes, but the bike world is intimidating. It attracts a lot of type A personalities. But I got lucky when I met my ex-boyfriend who was super into bikes. He helped me build an awesome mountain bike from the ground up and to make me fall more in love with it...it happened to be blue.

We hit the trails (of Tucson I might add). It was fun, but completely scary. I was painfully out of shape (I still have remedy this one). The ex was relentless...always pushing me harder and faster. I began to resent my bike and my abilities. I was angry with him, angry with my self and well dust started collecting on my beloved blue bike.

Well I kicked the ex to the curb but couldn't bring myself to ride the bike again. I had been forever soured on mountain biking. I decided that I would much rather hike the hills then fly around them and crazy speeds and run myself into a tree or cactus. Did I mention how hot Tucson was too?

Then I move to Boise...which seems to be the bike capital of the world. Everyone seems to be on a bike from your grandmother to your two year old. Everyone is sporting everything from tricked out mountain bikes, to fast road bikes, to your chop shop special and everyone's favorite the cruiser. The temperatures are nice and there is the Greenbelt (or rarely used farm roads) to ride in peace. Hello bike! Where have you been?

Regardless, I still feel unsettled by the idea of mountain biking. I think its a great sport but just not one for me. Road riding on the other hand is the perfect fit. I want to jump on my bike and ride a few (well more than that). I don't want to have to worry about trails or running into a tree. Now I know there are cars (much more unforgiving than a tree), but for the most part the greenbelt is going to meet my needs. I am not looking to become the next speed racer...I just want to ride for fitness and maybe the occasional duathlon just for some motivation.

And so I am on a mission to find myself the right road bike. Wish me luck...maybe I will even find one in blue!