PCOS

I have PCOS. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I was just diagnosed on September 20th. In some ways having the diagnosis was a huge relief. Ever since April of this year I have suffered from deep depression, weight gain, mood swings, bloating, head aches and sleepless nights. I was so miserable and fast approaching the end of my rope. Many doctors told me it was basically all in my head until I met Tammy Hadfield. She was the first doctor to tell me I wasn't crazy. She is an amazing doctor and I have all the confidence that together we will make me well and healthy again.

I won't die from PCOS but I have to very much change my life. If I leave the disease unmanaged I could develop Type II diabetes, heart disease or stroke. I may never be able to have children, although many people with PCOS do.

I am feeling overwhelmed. I hate to say it because its so vain, but the weight gain is out of control which is often the case with PCOS people. I fully admit that I am not eating as well as I should but in my defense I have had a wedding, travel back home to Tucson and my birthday to contend with and who can really say no to chocolate birthday cake? But the reality is I feel awful.

I am blessed with an amazing husband who sacrificed all of our holiday money to pay for the reinstatement of my gym membership. He is amazing! Day one back at the gym was yesterday and thankfully was an easier class. Today will be BodyPump which is all about weight lifting. Ugh! I keep telling myself its all worth it. I even like working out but knowing I have no choice just makes it feel harder than it has to be.

Right now I am hating the way I look and inside I hate the way I feel. Its a no win situation. I know all the hard things in life are accomplished one day at a time, but I wish I could see bigger changes. I do have to admit that the hormone I am taking is making me feel much better. The metformin is still making me feel bad most days but I hope it is helping my insulin levels. Sigh. I will conquer this, but right now I feel like a mouse battling a lion.

Hello 30!

Where does the time go? I am not really helping myself live a simpler life if I keep saying yes to everything therefore creating an impossibly busy schedule and allowing myself no time for anything, including writing in my blog. So not living my motto! But I did receive a lot of feedback from friends who read my blog and actually noticed when I didn't write. Someone is out there paying attention. Now if only they would share with their friends. :)

This past weekend I celebrated what was for a long time the dreaded 30th birthday. It's now official. There is nothing like starting out a new decade in life to put you into that new-year's resolution kind of mind. I feel like I should be writing the top 10 things I want to do in my 30's or some personal manifesto. The 30's somehow feel more important to me than my two previous decades. I promise if I do come up with a top ten list or a personal manifesto I will share.

I started blogging for many reasons but I think most importantly to provide myself an outlet where I could have a dialogue with the larger world (like anyone is reading but one could hope). My personal struggle in life is my knack for complicating everything. Not in the annoying I am a pain-in-someone's-ass sort of way but in a I feel the need to think about and analyze everything in my life sort of way. I refrain, most of the time, from sharing that inner dialogue with anyone. Regardless, I feel that inner dialogue has given me some plain and simple truths about my life, but maybe for someone else's too.

Take for instance my birthday. It is the simple gestures that mean the most. My good friend Jen and I call each other "dude" It I had found the perfect birthday card that in the inside said "Happy Birthday Dude" I sent it to her and she couldn't resist sending it to me. The minute I opened the card I couldn't stop smiling.

My amazing husband took me to a philharmonic presentation of Star Wars, bought me my favorite chocolate cake and arranged a manicure and pedicure with my two closest friends. I didn't want diamonds, copious amounts of alcohol or a big party. It was simple things strung together to make the most amazing day.

Now when I hear the opening theme of Star Wars, or a dive into the luscious layers of a chocolate cake I will see Jen and Scott's faces smiling back at me. The memories of that day are priceless and no gift no matter how grand could ever compare.

Bye Bye Sugar

So I am stopping sugar as of today. I am feeling the withdrawals as I write this post with quivering fingers.

Scott and I decided to make a bet: I would stop sugar cold turkey while he would stop diet soda. I am allowed my few teaspoons of sugar in the morning with my coffee and he is allowed one regular soda a day just so we don't go completely insane.

I have contemplated giving up sugar multiple times. Everyone always asks why or likes to state that I shouldn't deprive myself. I don't think people understand how addicted to sugar I am. And when I say addicted I mean addicted.

Some people are addicted to cigarettes, some drugs. I am addicted to sugar. Of course I temper it with a food snob's sensibilities. I can't have any old sugar. It needs to be good, respectable forms of sugar. Take for instance home made chocolate chip cookies none of this chips ahoy crap! I want quality which by the way is probably the only reason I am not 400 lbs...I need quality sugar. And in case you are wondering, no I am not morbidly obese. I am overweight but I stay active. I don't take a bag of oreo's to my closet and have an eating contest of one.

Anyway. I have thought for a very long time that my dependence on sugar was holding me back. Its that one thing that I can't seem to overcome. Its now become this challenge. Mind over matter.

Well when you also get down and dirty when it comes to what sugar is and how it can affect your body it isn't the best "food" to be consuming. I also have to ask if its inline with my food philosophy. I am trying really hard to eat food in its most natural forms and do I want to ruin that with sugar?

I am under no illusions here. I will eat sugar again and that I know to be the truth. I am hoping to make it sugar free (well the most obvious forms of it at least! I am not going to read labels like crazy)to October. I want my wonderful birthday cake to be the first taste of sugar...so October 23 here I come....wish me luck.

I am a Reader

I am a reader. Its the single most defining sentence to me. Reading, writing, books, stories is the essence of who I am, other than maybe loving animals. I remember the days when I was first learning to read. I was so frustrated because I could identify some words but not others and the inability to understand it all knowing there was something behind all those words was killing me. And then one day I could read...just like that.

I read everything I could get my hands on. I loved summers because then I could read without the distractions of math or science or any of the other silly subjects in school. The local libraries would have summer reading programs for the kids...always a map tracking the books you read and getting prizes at different milestones. I would always scream through the maps finishing before a quarter of summer was even up. The late summer nights with the cool wet feel of the swamp cooler running and my single light in my blue bedroom. I would laugh and cry with all the characters living hundreds of lives in just a few months. I miss those days so very much.

I had fantasies of living in a library (and if I hadn't gotten married at the Grand Canyon; a library would have been a very good second choice!). I dream often of being surrounded by books...all that potential just waiting to be let loose. I so desperately want to design a house that has bookshelves in every room, including bathrooms and kitchens! It would be an odd place for sure, but so very comforting to me. For now I suffice with three six foot book cases, although I need more.

I am not a person who collects things. I never quite understood the purpose of collecting objects, especially if for no real purpose. I tried with Breyer horses for a while, but by adulthood I got sick of packing them up each time I moved. Ah but my books are of another matter. So far 8 heavy boxes the last time we moved. And yet I acquire more. I can't stop. Its more than just having them...its stories and ideas all at my finger tips waiting to expose themselves to me at the moment I need them most.

Books are a need to me like food or water. I am convinced that my brain would shrivel up and die if I couldn't read books. The act of reading expands my mind exponentially and its a better high than any man made drug could ever conjure. Ah so maybe it truly is more than a need, its an addiction. An addiction that should never have a treatment to cure.

And yet here I am today wanting to read and not finding anything that is inspiring me at the moment. There is nothing worse than rummaging through my stacks and finding all sorts of books I still haven't read and yet not being inclined to read them. I was sitting there thinking I need a book that will speak to my soul. Ha! Like that book is just sitting there with a neon sign attached stating: "Life Changing Book Here" with an arrow attached. No such luck.

And so instead of reading I write. If not to be inspired by someone else's story I tell my own hoping it will inspire someone else.

The Simple Things...

Do you ever think you get away from the important things in life? Do you forget to savor the little things? I am a person that prides myself on being able to remember to savor life, but lately with all that's going on I have forgotten.

I am slowly trying to remember again and here are a few of my highlights:

1-Riding my bike in the early morning with the sun just starting to peak and the air crisp. The cold breeze stinging my skin just the slightest while the chilly air rushes into my lungs. I feel so alive and I just want that moment to last forever.

2-The days when Weiser (my African Grey parrot) makes little kissing noises at me and gives me this look of wonder and excitement for just seeing my face. He seems to relax when I smile at him and to know you give that much comfort to another creature on this planet well your heart swells.

3-The day you stop and smell the coffee in your cup...usually I guzzle it down so my day can get started as soon as possible. If you just sit and look out the window enjoy the morning sun and smell the strong aroma of the coffee. You take that first sip and it's hot but the flavor melts on your tongue. Somehow sipping coffee always makes me feel like all is right in the world.

I have read in many places that you should write down the things you are thankful for and in doing so you gain a different perspective. You are able to find and maintain balance. It really is the simple things in life....

Life is Hard.

Life is hard. Ok, maybe not news to you and certainly not news to me, but stark in its truth. I am a big fan of the Life is Good company. They promote such a simple but true motto and for someone always trying to live life with less complication they are the perfect shirts for me to be wearing. It doesn't hurt that the dog looks exactly like my dog. It was definitely meant to be.

But one of the other truism of life is that it may be good, but it is also hard. I say all of this because I am in a hard phase right now...harder than what I have already shared on this blog. For now, I am going to keep my trials and tribulations private because the details don't really matter. What matters is that now that I find myself in a hard place I seem to have more clarity than before. On some things at least. The problems themselves are a giant ball of confusion and fear with a little anxiety thrown in for good measure. Yet in the face of adversity some clarity has risen to the surface. Oh did I mention with the clarity came lots of philosophy?

I will let you in on a little secret about me. Whenever I come up against something that scares me or something that completely knocks me on my ass I become philosophical. I guess I believe if I can dig deep enough into the problem and figure out how it works and how it came to be that somehow the answer will be found. I warn you this doesn't always work.

So my latest philosophical rant: our current economic crisis. So many people are stunned and disbelief that something so tragic can occur.

Although science likes to believe we have evolved we really have just changed the landscape. We have traded predators for bankers and lawyers and instead of hunting we go shopping in grocery stores and Targets. In the end, the whole principle of survival stays the same.

I wish I could believe that with our technology and advancements that survival was easier, but its not. Being lucky as we are to live in the place we do, we have been lulled into a false sense of security. We live incredibly luxurious lives that we believe to be the norm or the standard and then when faced with something different it seems so tragic. Is it really tragic or just an awakening or a remembering of what life is really about?

I think if I keep going I am somehow going to find myself asking "What is the meaning of life" and like all others before me not really having an answer. I was looking for some perspective. Life is hard and many times unpredictable. You can't always prepare for it but you need to always be remembering it. You need to put the things that really matter in the fore front of your mind and keep focused. You have to be willing to let things that really don't matter fall to the way side. Of course, actually doing any of those things in practice is difficult which again brings me back to life is hard.

Maybe I should create a t-shirt with a stick figure knocking their head against the wall and the statement Life is Hard.

As I like to sometimes say at work, I am reaching for my positive hat and my Life is Good shirt and just maybe that will make everything ok.

30 Years on the Planet and What do I have to show for it?

I am freaking out. I turn 30 in just a mere 4 months. Unlike what most people assume, I am not concerned about the number. I have never really been concerned about my age as a number (or even my weight for that matter). Life is so much bigger than numbers. I am concerned about where I have gotten in 30 years? Am I the person I want to be? Have I made the most of my time here? How do I want to live my next 3o years? I have so many questions, very little answers and some answers I am afraid to face.

Have you ever asked yourself why its so hard to be the person you want to be? For example, I wish I was an athletic person who had a strong muscular body. I want to spend more time outside, especially hiking and camping. I want to finally get that master's degree. I would like to write a book. I wish I didn't care so much about my appearance and I wish I could find my style. I want to be a women with poise and grace. A woman who is obviously comfortable with herself and not easily unsettled. A positive person with a drive to get the things she wants out of life no matter the challenge. I want to be a force to reckon with.

Instead there is the actual me. I am much more sedentary than I should be and I have a weight problem to show it. I spend more of my time inside than out. I keep thinking about getting a master's degree but doing nothing to make it happen. I talk about writing a book and even have an idea but I don't sit down and write. I can be obsessive about the littlest of things when it comes to my hair or make up. I hate my style; it doesn't feel like me or relaxed enough and being a few pounds over weight makes me very self conscious. I have moments of poise and grace but some days they elude me. I am a pessimist and feel like my dreams and goals are too lofty. I compromise regularly and I am only a force to be reckoned with when I have been pushed to the limit, otherwise I am easy going.

How do I reconcile these two woman who are both trapped in my head? How do we become the people we are? Sometimes I think I am who I am some out of choice but other parts because of outside factors. I am pretty sedentary because I have a job that requires me to sit in a office for upwards of nine hours. And a body in motion stays in motion; a body stays at rest unless...the first law of Newton's laws people. And yet some people defy these laws. How do they do it and what am I missing or not tapping into to get myself there?

I really thought that by 30 I would have figured that part out. I had no expectations that I would have accomplished all of my goals or figured out the meaning of life. I just thought I would be more solidly on the right path, my path. I don't feel I am on someone else's path, just wandering around in the forest a bit lost. Some would say that is a good place to be and it can be educational but I could also starve to death or get eaten by a bear. There is food and safety on my path.

Here I am contemplating what I could be doing differently; trying to figure out how to defy the laws of physics. And yes, I have a headache from all this thinking. Maybe I should just get drunk, get a tattoo and get over it. My biggest challenge is trying to keep it simple and yet I go for the complicated every time.